I wrote this on facebook a few days ago, and decided to start fresh with my blog. I deleted all my old posts since it has been so long.
I'm not quite sure how appropriate it is to share my story over facebook, but I figured it would let a lot of people know where i'm at right now.
A few of you know that last night (5/16/10) i decided to accept Jesus into my life. This was probably the hardest decision that I have ever made. It's hard to explain what led me to do this....
When i was younger, I was forced to go to church every sunday. I went to sunday school, youth group, christian concerts... You name it, I was there. At the age of 13, I was babtized at the United Methodist Church here in Haven. I wasn't sure at the time what being baptized was all about... I was just doing it because i was told that I had to. I hated the fact that my family forced me to do all of these things when I truly didn't understand what it was all about. When i turned 15, my family decided that they wouldn't make me go to church every sunday. (and boy did i take advantage of that!) I was so tired of doing things that i didn't want to do..
Most of you know that I haven't had the best life at home growing up... Til this day, my dad is still a heavy drinker, and my Mom .... well, I'm not even going there... But anyway, I blamed God for a lot of these issues. I started to rebel against everything, and my self esteem really started taking a plunge. Through my high school years, I started making terrible choices.. choices that I thought weren't going to affect me. Somewhere in these years I kind of developed two different personalities.. The "good church going erica" who my family thought i was, and then the "erica who didn't give a crap about anything!"
You know, it's really difficult to pretend to be someone who you aren't. And my problem was that i couldn't figure out who i really was!
I knew that i believed in God. But I also knew there was just no way that i could live a christian life. At this point in time I was smoking cigarettes, and drinking alcohol.. You know, what all rebelious teenagers do. Just by doing those 2 things, I thought there was no hope for me.. I thought that God didn't love me. Honestly, I thought no one loved me. there were many times where i thought about killing myself. I was in lots of trouble in school, i was failing my classes, but i was still trying to act like i was such a good kid.
Finally by the age of 18 I was graduating (unbelieveably) and had plans on going to college! I was excited that i had made it that far. I started smoking weed, and let it take over my life. I hated college, and i started feeling worthless again. So what did i do? I picked up the weed and smoked it until i was so happy that it didn't bother me that i was letting everything else fall apart. I dropped out of college, and started looking for work. It took forever for me to find a job, and when i finally did, I QUIT! I had 6 jobs in one year!!! I always wanted to be having a good time instead of working. I was smoking weed all day every day for quite a while.
Last year i wanted to go back to college, so somehow, I got into Pratt. I went for 3 1/2 months before giving up yet again. I was so stuck in this cycle of giving up. So what did i do? I smoked more weed! Everything was about weed. I was to the point where i didn't think i could get through a single day without smoking it. (and yet this whole entire time, my family had no idea i was like this) I was stealing money, and doing anything i had to, to get what i wanted. I even had moved on to more powerful drugs.
For the last 6 months I have been doing nothing. I've been trying to find out how to change my life, how to get a job, how to make new friends, how i'm going to get anywhere, and how to belive in myself again. None of it seemed possible....
And then BAM!! It truly hit me... None of it is possible unless God is in my life. To make this long story short, I've been trying to learn as much as i could about God. I've been reading the Bible, asking questions, staying close to a good friend who has believed in me from day 1, and praying.
Last night i decided it was time to stop living for myself. I was crying so much, I could barely even ask God for his help. I couldn't figure out why i was crying... And then i realized it was because I was so scared on how hard this was going to be. I'm scared of messing up, and I'm scared of dissapointing yet again. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, and I also realize that this means I'm going to have to give up some friends, and the things that make me happy, (like weed, cigarettes, alcohol)... But I also know that it will be for the best. I want a better life! I want a relationship with God, and I want to live for him.
I tried to sum up this story as best as I can... I know that I've left out tons of things but I just wanted to get some of it out there. Because I know a lot of people do not know these things about me.
I'm excited that I asked Jesus into my heart, and I'm excited about my future. I know that I will need lots of prayers to be able to stop the things that im addicted to. I know that I'm going to have to be super strong, and not get kicked down easily.
I'm so blessed to have the people in my life who have loved me even though I haven't been a great person. I thank all of you so much who have encouraged me throughout the last few years. Please believe in me, and keep encouraging me, because i know that I'm going to need it.
I love you all.
erica
Alissasaur Haney- right on!!
Jacque Webb Darbyshire -There will be times when you stumble. But guess what! God forgives when we fail. Just keep trying and keep positive.
Ruby Yoder- Erica I read your testimony and cried. I am so proud of you. And don't worry about the messing up. We are all human and none of us are perfect. I've been a Christian for many years and still mess up like on a daily basis. That is what God's forgiveness is for-it doesn't mean we can just go and intentionally sin over and over but it means that if we... See More ask for His forgiveness and guidance in our lives every day He will sustain us and help us to get stronger in the faith on a daily basis. Take one day at a time and keep looking to God for guidance and understanding. Praying for you. Love ya
· Kelsi Ausherman -Thanks so much for sharing this dear. Let any of us know when you need some help, it is here for you. Even just a hug and an ear to listen. Keep moving forward, I'm glad you have come this far. I love you.
· Alison Leigh Warren -Holy cow! That is so totally awsome Erica! That strengthened me SO much! Thank you for sharing that dude! You have taken a step that you will not regret. Keep seeking Him, and you WILL find Him! and keep seeking righteousness and He will give you what you truly want and need! Love you Erica! God bless!
· Kelly Schunk Royer -I'm so proud of you Erica. This is HUGE, and you've taken the first step, which is the hardest. There will still be hard times, but at least you have the right foundation now on which to work through those times. Let me know how I can help you in any way. I am very proud of you (I just had to say it again!).
· Jennifer J Mace -this deserves a phone call....
· Courtney Miller -Dude, you have so many people that are supporting you in this decision. I know you're going to make it girl. I love you!
